can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
