I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
