It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
