How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize