i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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