Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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