hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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