the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
