So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
