nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
