I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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