You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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