hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Everclear isn't food dammit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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