my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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