I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
