I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
