i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
