Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
