and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
