Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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