GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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