if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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