dude i'm inner monologue high
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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