Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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