I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
