On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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