Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
