she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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