u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Randomize
