I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
