I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize