Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
