Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
