Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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