My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
