You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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