So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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