I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
