So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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