By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
