I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
