My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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