you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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