Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
