Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
