Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My hand turned me down
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
