I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
