Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
