I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
