totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
