Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
