Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
