went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
