I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How does it feel to date your dad?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
